Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
