If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
