I want to walk on stilts...naked
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she smelled like a LAN party
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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