Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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