he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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