I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
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Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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