Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Omg I joined a choir last night...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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