he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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