just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
