I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
