I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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