you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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