I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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