a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
