I accidentally had phone sex last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
