you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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