don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
