Tell her she can't have a vagina
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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