New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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