So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
