i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
