So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
