Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I had to cum in my sink.
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