If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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