Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The ass gains better be worth it
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