A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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