sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
