I think I died a long time ago.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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