theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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