I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
