After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
