Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
