apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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