I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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