I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
