before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
