After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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