This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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