On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
