the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
