I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
