she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
