At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
