I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
