im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
