went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
