Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
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You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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