you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
