My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
