Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
