I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
