The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
she told me i tasted like america
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
