I can tuck mytits in my pants
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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