My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
