she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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