My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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