You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
This is not my ceiling
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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